oh, hello.

It is Friday afternoon and I'm sitting here thinking about blogging. I'm thinking, "I really need to start blogging again." I'm thinking, "I wish I could get back into blogging."

Cedar is taking a nap. Azalea is playing quietly in her room recovering from strep throat. I'm sitting in my sun-lit (thank the heavens!) living room. I remember how I used to blog to connect with people and update my family. I remember adding narration to our life. I remember how blogging helped me heal from postpartum depression. I think about how it made me a better baker, a better writer, and a better mom.

In the past I would have used blogging to give you details about moving from Idaho to Oregon. I would have told you about our tiny dark apartment. I would have included stories about crying while I packed millions of boxes with the help of dear friends. You would have known that Nate moved to Oregon a month earlier than Azalea and me to start his job. I might have even told you that I was in a rotten/pouting mood from about July to two days before Cedar was born in October; though, you probably would have guessed that from my writing.

And now that I'm writing this post I can tell you that our holidays were fabulous. Really. Filled with love, and warmth, and pretty much every Seattle tourist attraction I could have wished for. And last weekend we moved out of our dark apartment and into a rental house that has a giant window in every. single. room. And I wander around the house following the sunlight like a lazy cat. No joke. And I have a decent kitchen again that I can spend the next three months setting up to be exactly the way I want it to be. And it occurs to me that I could probably get a job organizing other people's kitchens to the height of efficiency except that they probably couldn't pay me enough. I can also tell you that Cedar is 100% delightful. We can't get enough of him. The same goes for Azalea. I can tell you that we're doing pretty well. And that someday I might like it here too. Those are the kinds of things that I can blog about.

I was sitting here on Friday afternoon thinking about writing a blog so I went ahead and wrote one. It was no big deal.

Ahhh....Friday.

It has taken me a full week to recover from our two weeks of vacation but I think I finally have my act together.  The beds are made, the chickens are fed (not before I heard them screeching in hunger), and there is pizza dough rising on the counter for dinner.  Speaking of pizza, remember when I asked if anybody has the perfect red sauce recipe?  Turns out that the Fred Meyer brand pizza sauce (pizza parlor style) is de-freakin-licious, so that is what we use now.  Sorry if you don't live by a Fred Meyer.  Perhaps I could mail you some?

We have a pretty low-key weekend planned.  A birthday barbecue for my sister-in-law, some super exciting work out in the shed, and church on Sunday.  Any exciting weekend plans for you?

Right now I'm looking at the mostly dying tulips on my table and thinking it is probably time to put them to rest. After that it is off to the pediatrician for Z's 4yr. well-child check.  I may have skipped her 3yr entirely.  She may have to get some shots this time. I may not have warned her about that possibly. I may have to make it up to her with fro-yo for lunch.

Life in Instagram

Lately our days have not been too busy and have therefore been  absolutely lovely.  

Last week we made homemade donuts at 11:00 AM because my friend had some leftover dough from the evening before.  It may not have been such a good idea to leave me and Z-cakes in the house alone with a pan full of donuts, but I promise Nate got a couple.

On Saturday we enjoyed fresh squeezed orange juice with our whole wheat pancakes reminding me, once again, that most of my happiest moments revolve around really good food.

Z-cakes obviously gets cuter by the day.  She got herself all dressed up to play "grocery store" outside and I was mighty proud of her ensemble.  Another favorite game these days is "book lady" in which she brings a handful of books to me, I tell her how much they cost, she gives me pretend money and is on her way, never batting an eye at the cost.  She may or may not have learned this from someone you know.

Okay, but food and toddler clothes aside, here is the biggest news of the week:  Z-cakes' hair in PIGTAILS!

I kind of feel like four years of hair growth has all been leading up to this point.  You know?

Unphotographed:

Yesterday was in the 50s.  Dudes.  Today is cold and windy but yesterday was in the 50s.  We headed to the park and flew kites with a slew of other kids who for some reason were not in school.  I brought my camera, but was having way to much fun to stop and take a pic.

We made this on Sunday night and I wanted to eat the entire thing by myself.  I saved a piece to take a picture of on Monday morning like a good blogger but instead, I just ate it.  In like, two bites.  It occurred to me later that perhaps I should have savored it.  Not to worry though, the ingredients for another are sitting in my fridge right now.  It is only a matter of time, my friends.

Quiet

This is what I do when my mind is racing. And it has been, recently.

I can't seem to find a better way to quiet my mind while the rest of me feels like being silent.

In related news this quote that I spotted on my Kat's blog has been speaking to me lately:

Some periods of our growth are so confusing that we don’t even recognize that growth is happening. We may feel hostile or angry or weepy and hysterical, or we may feel depressed. It would never occur to us, unless we stumbled on a book or a person who explained to us, that we in fact in the process of change, of actually becoming larger, spiritually, than we were before. Whenever we grow, we tend to feel it, as a young seed must feel the weight and inertia of the earth as it seeks to break out of its shell on its way to becoming a plant. Often the feeling is anything but pleasant. But what is most unpleasant is the not knowing what is happening[…]Those long periods when something inside ourselves seems to be waiting, holding its breath, unsure about what the next step should be, eventually become the periods we wait for, for it is in those periods that we realize that we are being prepared for the next phase of our life and that, in all probability, a new level of the personality is about to be revealed.

- Alice Walker

Amazing, right? Right.

(Apologies for the unreadability of that quote. I can't seem to figure out what is going on with the type and I have embroidery to get back to)

Basically

{photo by Z-cakes}

Here's what's been happening lately when I sit down to blog. I log in to blogger. I write a title. I write a couple of sentences. I erase them. I write new sentences. I erase them. I write three sentences in a row that are all related to each other. I take a break to sing the intro song to Super Why! with Z-cakes. I reread the sentences. I hate the sentences. I wonder if I have a picture to post. I realize I don't. I decide that I don't feel like blogging. I close the laptop. I knit.

Later in the day I post a picture on Instagram and decide that totally counts as blogging.

And that, my friends, is my in-depth explanation of why I haven't been blogging lately. It's pretty much the best I can do especially since I hate writing blogs about blogging. It feels redundant. Meta? And just downright awkward.

Whew. Glad that's out of the way. Now I can tell you that, no, I am not dead. I have not quit blogging. I don't know if I'll ever go back to blogging every day but I do know I'll be blogging more frequently. I don't have a blog series planned, no big ideas, no Friday features. Just me. And some Instagram pictures. And my family. And lots of narration.

So basically, I'm back. Get excited.

xxoo

Just right

Last night I decided it was time to do something about the box of peaches that we have slowly but surely been eating our way through. My intention was to just make a lifetime supply of peach butter, but once we started slipping the skins off those gorgeous peaches N8tr0n and I decided we should try canning them. I put in a late-night call to my dear Emmylou for a quick tutorial on how the crap you do that.

As it turned out, the peach butter took me so long to finished that I didn't have it in me to can the rest of the peaches last night. I was a bit sad when I realized that I'm too old and too attached to my sleep to pull all-nighters to satisfy superfluous whims. Oh well.

This morning all I can think about (aside from the giant bowl of peaches sitting in my fridge waiting to be canned) is how fun last night was. Working in the kitchen with N8tr0n talking about how much we love our house and our daughter I couldn't help but think about how good life really is. It was one of those moments when you can put your current frustrations aside because everything else about life is just so right.



In other news: Last night N8tr0n bought a new pair of ski boots. Z-cakes adamantly wants to go skiing too and keeps asking us to buy her some "skidis."

This time last year

This time last year, I was mourning the loss of my dear friend and mentor, Charlotte, and making dinner for her family. Today I will be celebrating her life by baking the bread that she taught me how to make and taking it to someone in need. (Inspired by her equally wonderful daughter, Denise).

This time last year N8tr0n's parents were visiting. Today I will be putting the finishing touches on the guest bedroom in preparation for their arrival here tomorrow!

This time last year I was snacking on company cake. Today I will be making that same cake for some new friends that are coming over for dinner.

This time last year we had no idea when N8tr0n would get a job. I was working as much as I could to keep our savings from completely dwindling. Today I sent N8tr0n off to work and said a prayer of thanks for his good job and steady income.

This time last year we were trying to have a baby. Today nothing much has changed, except that I have a better doctor. And that I'm beginning to feel a bit apathetic about the whole ordeal.

This time last year we were getting ready for a trip to Idaho. Today we live here, and we're loving it more everyday.

Today the weather is supposed to be in the MID SIXTIES. Also, NO WIND—and if you live in Idaho, you know that last part is a really big deal. If you need us, we'll be at the park. All day.

RABBIT, RABBIT, RABBIT, EVERYBODY!

P.S. I'm back! I've missed you!

I to the N to the Fertility

I have never wanted to write about infertility.

In fact, I'm having quite a bit of trouble getting past that first sentence. I'm sitting here thinking, "I really don't want to be writing about this." And yet, here I am. Wrapped up in a comforter, laptop open, preparing to express the biggest frustration in my life right now to anyone who will read it. In simple terms: I really really want to have another baby.

Before now, writing about infertility seemed almost superfluous. There are forums, blogs, and entire communities dedicated to that one subject alone. What could I possibly have to add? Plus—and this is a big plus—I already have a baby. Doesn't already having a baby make my infertility less, um, legitimate? Shouldn't I be able to hug and kiss my Z-cakes and be happy that I have her without wishing for more?

But still, I wish. And so, I write. I write knowing that my experience will be similar yours while being completely different from yours. Hopefully these words will bring some comfort to someone, even if it is only me.

I was ready to be pregnant again almost two years ago. Z-cakes was turning one and I was intensely in love with being a mother. I wanted dozens of kids. Gobs and gobs of kids. Three or four kids. More than one at least. I hoped that now that I had been pregnant once my body would be able to figure out how things worked and that I would be able to get pregnant naturally this time around. After two years, no dice. No pink plus sign.

To get pregnant with Z-cakes, N8tr0n and I went to a reproductive endocrinologist. I had been diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome and after doing some research on the internet (which we all know is a really bad idea, right?) I was trying to manage my expectations. When I got pregnant after one round of Clomid I wanted to kiss that doctor right on the mouth. How could it have been that easy? I spent nine months being one of those annoying girls who really enjoys being pregnant, lived through one "major abdominal surgery," and became a mother. I refused to entertain the thought of infertility issues for subsequent pregnancies. I was living in the moment and would deal with that struggle when it came.

Unfortunately that struggle came, and it is here now. Of course not every day is a struggle. Sometimes months can pass where my heart doesn't ache for a baby and I have faith that our family will grow in time. During those months I knit baby booties for my giant list of pregnant friends. I laugh (without faking it) and joke about Z-cakes needing a sibling. I read birth stories on blogs. I embrace the ease of having one child who is slowly coming more and more self sufficient. On a good day, I am completely unfazed by questions about how many kids we want or when we plan on having another. I happily chat with people about infertility and answer questions about PCOS, and I don't even feel sorry for myself afterward.

And then, there are the other times. The times when I just want to hang my head and cry. The times when an innocent comment like, "is she your one and only?" can leave me cranky and teary for the rest of the day. It's during those times that I stop rolling out the baby gifts. I stop writing congratulatory emails for new arrivals. I cry watching Z-cakes play outside by herself. I unsubscribe to blogs because she is pregnant again and I just can't. I can't keep reading. I'll check back in nine months. Or two years. Or when I'm pregnant too. The jealousy that I feel during those times is more painful than anything else. I find that I am also full of fear. Fear that we might never have another baby. Fear that we will spend years and years trying, and that I'm not appreciating what I have because I'm so focused on what I want.

I rise up out of these slumps through the help of my family and my faith. And when I say family, I mean my immediate family. N8tr0n is the only person in the world who can say whatever he wants about babies, fertility, pregnancy and general procreation without having me lose it completely. How does he always make me laugh when he says, "hey, we should have another baby!" as if it has never occurred to either of us before? Z-cakes is my sunshine, and I find it impossible to worry about infertility when I'm snuggled up on the couch with her. My faith is what carries me from the depression of infertility to the lightness of hope. And when I kneel to pray I only rarely ask to have a baby. It feels a bit redundant, and I'm pretty sure God knows that's what I want. Instead I pray that the jealousy and fear that has a tight grip on my heart can be lifted. That I might be able to feel and express the love and excitement I have for my expecting friends. That I might find joy in our present instead of worrying about our future.

I said that I've never wanted to write about infertility and I meant it. It is not a fun subject to write about. I don't enjoy worrying my family, because I know many of them read this blog. I don't like to look like a jealous person or complain too much about my personal life. I hardly think that I can eloquently portray the heartache infertility can bring. But when a topic nags at me long enough, I have to give in and write about it. I have left out a lot of details. I don't plan to make a habit out of writing about our struggles. But I believe in the healing power of writing, and I believe in reaching out to others through my blog. If you need to talk to somebody about how infertility sucks, I'm happy to be that somebody.

I am abundantly blessed with a loving family and friends who care about me. I know that our family will grow in its own way whether we end up having dozens of kids or not. I am striving to bring myself out of each slump as a stronger woman, a more loving mother, and a more compassionate human. I will continue to trust in God and I will be truly happy, no matter what.

XOXO

Tinkering

I spent way to much time last night tinkering with the little elements of this blog. Hence the slow start to my day this morning. I was happy to get the new banner up but quickly became obsessed with spacing and font color and titles. Things that I'm sure nobody will notice but me—which I'm totally okay with. There are a lot of little details about my home that nobody notices but me but I do them anyway because those little details are what make a house your home. Don't you think? And what is a blog other than another version of home? Tinier. And more verbose. And much more frequented by visitors. All the more reason to tinker with the details.

Okay that is enough rambling. I need to go feed my kid breakfast. I am positive I will spend more time today fiddling with the sidebar but feel free to tell me what you think so far. I feel so official now that I have actual pages linked over there. And have I mentioned how much I hate putting together "about" bios? Really and truly. I hate it.

P.S. Thanks you SO MUCH for your kind words about the Makes Me Happy series. Your comments are so kind and I am giddy over the fact that a few of you have decided to join me! Your comments and blog love make me very very happy.

So very thankful

:: for these bright bowls that N8tr0n got me for our anniversary

:: for the raw oatmeal that fills them every morning

:: and for N8tr0n.

...for the chance to be a speech therapist again for a little while starting this week

...for being able to take Z-cakes with me to work

...for Z-cakes.

...for a phone call from my brother

...for a great conversation about his life

...for my brother.

...for lots of time to be still and think

...for the discovery of a new mantra

...for the opportunity to embrace what I've learned.

What are you thankful for today?

Happy Friday To You

:: A bowl of peaches with a little cream is the snack of choice in our house these days. Z-cakes likes her peach cut into chunks, I prefer mine in slices.

:: N8tr0n returned home yesterday from a four day work conference in Missoula, MT. Man alive are we glad to have him back. He's back at work today so I'm hoping to get the house cleaned so that he doesn't think all I did while he was gone was play in the kitchen and craft. Which I did.

:: I'm posting another picture of my roses. Are you getting sick of them? I just feel like we shouldn't be the only ones who get to enjoy them.

:: I absolutely love this and I want to add it to my growing collection of Halloween decor.

:: I just decided that Z-cakes and I are going thrift shopping today. We're going to check out a couple of stores that are new to us and I'm very excited about it. What exciting thing are you doing today?

:: My last contribution (That "last" part was a lie...there's one more week after this! Sheesh!) to Hannah's May I Suggest series is up today. I just realized this week's list is heavily influenced by my friends in Denver. And that the list may make me look like a couch potato. I'm 100% okay with that.

Happy Friday To You. Are you as glad as I am that it is here?

After Summer...

Every year I almost run away with Summer. I mean, first of all, he's hot. He's tan and athletic. He owns a boat and jet skis. Summer is happy and fun-loving. He's an early riser and a night owl. He brings me flowers, starts up a farmer's market, and suggests we take a vacation. Summer reminds me that a skirt would be cooler than jeans, and he gives me an excuse to buy a new swimsuit. Summer is all about going big with fireworks and nightly lightning storms. I quickly realize that I am no match for his charms and fall, head first, into Summer's arms.

One day I spend too much time with Summer and realize that I've been burned. I resist seeing this as a sign because, it's Summer. You have to take a little bad with the good right? I remind myself that in order to hang out with Summer I'm just going to have to slather myself with sunblock. No biggie. I go back to snacking on sno-cones, running through sprinklers, and grilling dinner. Yep. I'm going to stay with Summer forever.

But without fail, Summer and I begin to grow apart. He insists on keeping the house too hot and I can't keep up with the weeds that keep cropping up in the flowers he brought. He gets annoyed that I haven't gone running in the mornings with him and he reminds me (quite rudely, I might add) that he won't be around forever and why don't I appreciate him more? One evening, while I'm grumbling about the wasp nests that Summer brought to my wind chime, I feel a crisp breeze rush by and I remember. I remember the season that I love the most--Fall. How could I have forgotten Fall? How was I fooled, once again, by Summer's hot and steamy-ness? Summer can tell I'm getting restless for Fall and throws a bit of a fit. He tries to bring back high temperatures to remind me of what I'm missing out on, but it never works. We're over and he knows it.

I forget all about Summer and pledge my devotion to Fall. Fall is handsome, educated, and he's a snappy dresser. He keeps bringing me flowers but he also brings apples, and pumpkins. He helps me throw a giant Halloween party. Fall always smells good and speaks with a smooth quiet voice. He suggests that I keep wearing that cute skirt, but why not add some colorful stockings and a cardigan to the outfit? Even better! Fall doesn't think it is silly if I still buy school supplies, and he brings home a giant stack of books for me from the library. He stocks the craft store with beautiful yarns for me to knit with. He thinks we should keep grilling, but maybe we should bake a pie inside at the same time? Fall loves pie as much as I do. He throws me a birthday party.

Fall, being as thoughtful as he is, gently reminds me that he can't stay forever, and that I can't keep any of the seasons around all the time. Then he quietly slips away while I'm being enchanted by the first snowfall. I know that Fall can't stay forever, but that doesn't mean that I can't always love him. Even when I'm enjoying the holidays or snapping pictures of green grass cropping up, I'm thinking of Fall. And even though I forget Fall for a while when Summer rolls around, he doesn't get offended. He knows I'll be there waiting for him. He's coming soon—I can feel it—and I absolutely can't wait.

Blog Discussion: Keeping it Real

I know it's Friday. And I know that the title above looks a little serious for a Friday post. But this topic has been shuffling around in my brain for some time now and I've finally decided to turn to you for input. I'd like to have an actual discussion on my blog today. That means you're going to have to comment. That is, if you'd like to. I'll be checking in all weekend to respond to your comments and ask more questions.

I think my favorite thing about blogland is that fact that it is beautiful. It is like the world of rose colored glasses. Full of productive people, loving mothers, gorgeous designs, and hilarious writers. I've learned to enjoy and embrace the everyday with my blog. I've learned to take better pictures and fun games to play with my kid. In return for all of this goodness, I try to carve out my own little niche in blogland in the hopes of inspiring others in similar ways. And truthfully, I think I do an okay job.

But I know that life isn't as perfect as it is in blogs, and I'm totally okay with that. I often say that I don't buy glossy magazines to read articles about cranky mothers complaining about their kids. But as bloggers, what do we do about the not-so-great times that we do want to share on our blogs? What happens when you sit down at your computer and you can't bear to write one more upbeat post? What do you do when you want to reach out to the group of friends you have accumulated via the internets to tell them about something that just sucks?

Some of my favorite bloggers have written about personal hardships that have brought me to tears. I've loved them for their honesty and marveled at how much they're helping others by sharing their experience. I have always been grateful for their efforts to share what is real in their lives. Even my own account of postpartum depression has been read more than any post I've ever written, and writing it was a healing experience. But it was written in retrospect, and already had a happy ending. Now it seems that when it comes to writing about a struggle that is happening now, I'm much more hesitant.

So what do you think? What do you think differentiates between a post that is "keeping it real," and a post that is just about complaining? How do we address depression, job loss, miscarried babies, premature babies, divorce, bankruptcy, cancer, death, and fear? How do we reach out to the communities that read our blogs the way we would our friends we see in person everyday? How do you flip from a post about your favorite letterpress stationary to a post about your lack of confidence as a mother? Do you think these topics deserve space on a blog about life? Is it a matter of timing? Take some time to think about it and then please do tell me your thoughts.

Also, I feel the need to once again THANK YOU immensely for reading, emailing, and commenting. I really mean it when I say that blogging has taught me to embrace the everyday. I hope that I help do the same for you.

A day with no list

We bloggers love our lists. Am I right? We like to write lists, post lists, design stationary for lists, and develop systems for lists. We make books out of our lists, collage our lists, and have entire blog categories devoted to lists. We make grocery lists, to-do lists, wishlists, guest-lists, party supply lists, and "ways I can become a better..." lists. I, obviously, am no exception to this. I think it is actually one of the main reasons I like blogging so much. So many of you are just like me! And you write about it! And you agree with me when I write about it! Man blogging is the best.

Anyway, given my affinity for lists, I was shocked when a couple nights ago I sat down to write my, "things to-do tomorrow" list and, get this, I didn't feel like it. What the? I was deeply confused by this list apathy. My initial instinct was to suck it up and write a list, knowing that I would sleep better that night with the day ahead of me mapped out. But realizing that there wasn't anything that HAD to be done the next day, I decided that I would have a day without a list. I went to bed feeling partially liberated and partially terrified. I mean really, would I even get out of bed if I didn't have a list?

Fortunately I DID get out of bed and I DID make it through the entire day without making a list. I was actually completely shocked at what I was able to accomplish despite the lack of a list! Granted, I can't turn off the listing mechanism that is built into my brain, so I was always thinking of what I would do next. But instead of trudging through tasks just so that I could cross them off my list (yes, I get the same high that you do looking at a completely crossed-off list at the end of the day), I did whatever made the most sense at the moment. Sometimes it was nothing! Sometimes it was doing the stupid, stupid dishes. Sometimes it was playing "BOOM" which by the way, is when you sit cross-legged on the floor while your toddler falls onto you and yells, "BOOM!" and you both roll backwards onto the floor and then she helps you up and you do it again. A million times. Sadly, I rarely write, "play BOOM" on my to-do lists. I can't believe how much more I played with Z-cakes when I didn't have a list.

So will I be living everyday without a list? Uh, no. Once in a while is fine for me, thank you. I also realized early-on that I had to have a strict internet rule for my no-list day before it actually became the "day I read blogs all the live-long day." I just want to remember that while I'm young, and while my daughter is young, and while I don't have that many commitments, that a day of low productivity is a necessity. And a blessing. Do you need a day with no list? I think maybe you do. Let me know how it turns out.

Love you blogland!

***In other blog news, I just met with a crafty new friend who lives in my area, Jessica, from Running With Scissors! We had a great time at the park today. There was lots of conversation filled with: "I know!" "Me too!" "Right?" So nice to meet you Jessica. Can't wait to get our craft on!***

You know who you are

This post is for those of you who, like me, put off some of your most time consuming projects until the last minute. Procrastination I believe is the word that some people use.

It is for those of you who insist on hand-making gifts for Mother's Day and weddings.

It is for those of you who listen to Wilco, The Shins, and Deathcab while you craft. In your basement. Until way past bedtime.

You know who you are, and I raise my thrift store mug full of decaf chai to you.

This post has no thesis statement.

You have no idea how hard it has been for me to not just show you everything I'm putting together for the shower right now. But I shall resist. Especially since the mama to be reads le blog and I'd hate to ruin the surprise.

Z-cakes and I heard a rumor that snow is on its way to the front range. We'll be outside filling our canteens with sunshine until the snow gets here.

You can all thank Serin for this picture. She was complaining on Tuesday that she would have to wait until Thursday afternoon to see my new hair. Here you go Serin. A picture of my hair mere hours before I will see you at Kindergarten. I didn't have anyone to hold the camera for me (not even Mr. Tripod) so all I seemed to get was fuzzy blown out picture. I still thought they looked kind of cool.

My hair isn't actually much different. Just a bit more color that happens to be a little more...pink. You know. For Spring.

I'm a little embarrassed to admit how much time I spend worrying about posting pictures of myself on my blog. It may not look that way, but on this side of the computer screen I am biting my nails, mulling over which photos to post, wondering if I can make them look better in Photoshop--no, that is much worse--changing my mind, changing it back, and then finally biting the bullet. I have no idea why this is. The shoeboxes full of pictures that I was thumbing through when I was writing Jen's birthday post do not reflect a girl who was too shy to get in front of the camera.

I so admire my friends Michelle and Denise who are the masters of the self-portrait. I LOVE seeing their pictures and I always think of their children and the treasured pictures of their mother that they will have. I know that my own mother has so few pictures of her mother and that she wishes she had more. Now with the luxuries of digital, I cannot think of a single good reason for my family to not have loads of pictures with my smiling face in them. Hmmm...I feel a blog project coming on...stay tuned.

What about you? Are you a fan of self-portraits? Any suggestions for helping me get over my fears? Any other solicited advice you would like to offer on this fine Thursday morning?

Just me and my blog.

A few months ago, I believe it was last September, I decided to start blogging for real. For real being defined as: almost daily, and with a bit more focus (but just the tiniest bit). No more posting once a month or whenever I happened to take a decent picture. I suddenly started making lists of things that I wanted to write about and putting a little more time into making my blog something special. I'm not sure what brought on this change but I am elated that I followed through with that decision.

Blogging is one of the funnest, strangest, self affirming-est things I have ever done. It has helped motivate me to pursue my creative passions, it has helped me though postpartum and chronic depression, it has made me less cynical, it has made me more me.

However, along with the affirmation, blogging has brought on a lot of self doubt. There are often times when I think to myself, who am I? And what's more, who am I to be writing this blog? There are plenty of other blogs out there that are saying the exact same thing as me...saying it better in fact! There are better cooks, better writers, better mothers, and better wives. People probably already know how to felt soap. Freezer paper stenciling? Please, I've seen that five times on Craft: just today. That's it. Done blogging. I'll leave this up to the experts. It was fun while it lasted. Does this ever happen to you?

Despite this frustration, I keep coming back to my blog. Day after day I sit down in front of the cool glow of my computer screen, plug in my camera, and let the unsolicited advice fly. I link to those people who I find particularly inspiring, I clap my hands when I get comments from "famous bloggers," and I do my best to write something that you might actually want to read. Because that is why I blog. Because of you. And you, and you and most certainly you. I would be lying if I said I did not care who reads my blog--that I don't care about comments. To learn from comments or emails that I have inspired ideas, confirmed beliefs, or brightened days is to learn that what I'm doing is worthwhile. And oh, wouldn't the Generation Y researchers have a heyday with that little tidbit?

Goals for my blog this year include learning more about me and more about you. Am trying to find my voice. Actually,am trying to find out if it is possible to find my own voice, or if I must stumble around blindly until it eventually finds me. Am hoping you can help me with both of these goals. I've rigged up a little survey that I am hoping will help me learn more about you and in turn help me make my blog more appealing to you. While still being me. Am going to find out if that is possible.

Please do take a second to complete my little survey. I so appreciate what you have to say.

Note: Aaaaand the survey is actually working now. Thanks for the heads up, Tiffany!

*** I meant to say***

Thank you for your kind comments and well-wishes regarding N8tr0n's interview. The love was so strong it was almost palpable. N8tr0n came out of his interview yesterday feeling great. He still feels like he is a strong candidate for the position. He's expecting to hear back from them in the requisite two to three weeks.

Again...muchas gracias. We have such wonderful friends.

A favor to ask

A couple of weeks ago at church I had a feeling. Let's go ahead and call it a prompting.

N8tr0n had just applied for a job that he felt he was highly qualified for and we were hoping that he would get called for an interview. I was sitting in the chapel trying to think of what more I could do to help N8tr0n get a job. We've prayed, good heavens have we prayed. We've asked our family to pray. We've been optimistic, hopeful, cautious, and disappointed. As I sat feeling sorry for my helpless self the thought came to me, "you need to ask for more help." That's it. For a brief moment I thought of my blog and how I've kept our employment situation somewhat private, trying to not go too overboard with the "poor us, we have no money" stories. I decided that was exactly the way I liked it and pushed the thought out of my head. On Friday N8tr0n told me that he had just gotten an interview for the job and again, I had that feeling...

"You need to ask for more help."

So here I am. Going public.

A little back story: After I had Z-cakes I went back to work after 12 weeks of maternity leave. N8tr0n was finishing up graduate school planning to graduate and hopefully have a job by January (this was June-ish). After a couple of devastating months being away from my baby, we decided that if we lived frugally, I could quit my job and we could live off of our savings and N8tr0n's research income until he got a job. Our savings lasted us many more months than we thought it would and in October when a particularly promising job prospect fell through, N8tr0n was able to start a temporary job and though the pay wasn't great, it was a huge blessing. Some months we break even but more often than not, we come up short. Now, our savings is all but gone and we lean heavily on our parents for support. A combination of factors including unlucky timing (hello recession) has left us unable to find a decent job and very often in low spirits.

When I sit and think about it, like, when I really try to look on the bright side, I see how much our family has been blessed during this time. We've learned to accept the kind service of our friends and family. Not one of us has been ill enough to need a doctor's appointment in A YEAR AND A HALF (knocking on wood). We've learned to live within our means and how to "make it work." We have learned to pick ourselves up from disappointment and most importantly, we have learned what matters most.

N8tr0n has an interview on Tuesday, and we are asking for your help. If you could keep us in your thoughts. Pray for us. Meditate for us. Send positive energy out into the universe for us, whatever it is that you choose to do. Could you do it for us? We would so appreciate it. And we promise to return the favor whenever the occasion arises.

Much love and many thanks, for everything.

Closet Cleanout / Finding Style

As far as I can tell, everyone on the interwebs has been cleaning out closets, organizing drawers, and vacuuming the darkest corners of their homes since January 1. Something about a new year, I don't know. All I know is that I am not one of those people and last weekend it was starting to stress me out. I decided that in the spirit of blogland unity I would clean out my closet.

Dun Dun Duuuuuuuun.

If you were ever my roommate in college, you may remember that I used to be a strict closet cleaner-outer at the beginning of each season. Anything that had not been worn the previous season was out. I knew that if I hadn't worn it at all that summer I probably wasn't going to wear it next summer either. Pertinent and Non-Pertinent was one of my favorite closet activities. I was ruthless.

Then I got married. Then we got poor. Then I got pregnant. Then I got unable to fit into any of my clothes. Then I got...you get the picture. I found myself hanging onto more of my clothes because I knew I couldn't afford to buy new ones or because I hoped that I would fit into them again someday.

***It is important for me to note here that I don't believe in keeping a "skinny" wardrobe. I think that when clothes don't fit anymore--and I mean really don't fit--that you should let them go. Then when you eventually lose the weight that you know you will, you can reward yourself with some nice new clothes. You know that is what you would want to do anyway. And I still feel that way whether or not I have the means to fund those beliefs. Okay, glad we cleared that up.***

Basically I had a closet full of clothes that I didn't like/was sick of/didn't fit/didn't flatter, with a few decent pieces peppered in between. The last couple of weeks I've been thinking a lot about style and my lack thereof. I'm feeling a change coming on. It is time for me to develop a style. Time to stop shunning shopping and start actually thinking about my clothing purchases. Time for my criteria for an outfit that I'll be wearing that day to be "flattering and cute" instead of "not pajamas." Am scared. Am going to need lots of help.

Step 1: Clean out my closet.

Behold the madness. I used this lovely blogger's guidelines for cleaning out closets. It took the better part of my day mostly because Z-cakes was my assistant and a demanding one at that. She insisted on being given snacks, naps, and on having her diaper changed. On top of that she was basically no help at all.

This picture was taken about halfway through the process. At this point I really wanted to quit. Nausea was starting to set in. I really did not want to be there in that room trying on all of those clothes and having to make decisions regarding their futures. When did I become so weak? Nevertheless I persevered, and in the end, I had this:

As you can see, the piles are labelled according to their fates. "Donate" clothes will be going straight to Goodwill unless any of my friends happen to stop by to rummage through the bin before Saturday. I'm giving myself one week to repair/hem/iron the clothes in the "mend" bin. If I haven't done anything with those clothes after a week, they're gone. The "re-purpose" pile gets to live in my basement until it is turned into clothes/dolls for Z-cakes. The "small" pile--while against my beliefs--gets to stick around for 6 months. If I still don't fit into them after that, they're gone.

(Wow, is this the most boring post ever or what?)

Now that I have my closet cleared out I feel like the easy part is over. And although it is nice to not have to wade through all of those useless clothes everyday, now I actually have to start putting together a wardrobe that looks good. I have to buy clothes that reflect who I am and make me feel good about myself. No small task.

Am currently accepting any and all suggestions. Also, if you'd like to hold my hand through a store and tell me what looks good on me that would be great too. Or just tell me what to buy online. I'm really open here people. And scared. Did I mention that I'm scared?